#22: Anxiety

I contemplated a lot on whether to post this. It seems that my blog has been a bearer of sad news lately but I see no other better reason to justify posting this other than it is my blog after all. At the same time, I also hope that whoever reads this feel some sort of support, that you aren’t alone and if need be, feel free to reach out to me and we can talk it out. It’s always helpful to know someone who understands what you’re going through.

So the other day I had the opportunity to attend a talk called ‘Women of Grace’. One of the speakers shared about her experience dealing with anxiety which got my attention.

While my mental health is not entirely about anxiety per se but it definitely has some relation to anxiety once in a while. She talked about how the anxiety about the anxiety attack is even worse (something along that line). I cannot agree more to this statement. As someone who is suffering from a similar situation, the anxiety of wondering when my next attack will be is worst than the attack itself. Will there be anyone around? Can I trust the strangers around me? Whenever I am alone and in a new place, the first thing I think of is an escape route.

Despite dealing with anxiety, the speaker continued to carry on her life as much as she can. She’s a teacher and occasionally she goes on solo trips overseas. She admits that it isn’t easy (she said she was trying to deal with her anxiety even before the talk itself) to which I really respect her for that. I too facilitate workshops at schools, or used to. It wasn’t easy dealing with the mental stress before every workshop. And we all know mental stress can be just as energy consuming so by the time I end my workshop, I was just so exhausted. I thought that after 2 years of doing it, I would be better able to manage myself but nah. I felt like I should keep doing what I’m doing because I feel bad and I didn’t want to menyusahkan orang lain. But recently I have made the decision for myself to take a break from running workshops. I don’t know if I will pick that up again in the future but not for now.

Sometimes I do wish time could turn and I could have my healthy body and mind back. Even after all these years, I am still trying to learn how to deal with this better. Of course, I won’t let it get in the way of doings things I want to do but it will probably take a bit more time.

Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.

Quran (2:286)

I find comfort in the above knowing that no matter how tough I feel it is, I know I can get through this. Of course, challenging at times when you wonder why you but every trials is an opportunity to make you stronger and be closer to Him.

To end this off, despite all the difficulties you ladies are facing in life (yes this includes you BTBs out there because wedding prep can really be a tarik rambut and macam nak nangis experience!), remember to take a break once in a while, doa and know that YOU CAN DO THIS!! 

#21: Eid Mubarak!

Eid Mubarak everyone! 

This year’s Eid has been quite busy. I now have more families to visit and entertain at home since I am staying with my in-laws. It has been very tiring for the past few days that I think all the food and moving around has taken a toll on my husband who is currently down with a cold.

General updates with what is happening in my life at the moment. My family and I, we are definitely getting better as each day passed. We miss Kelabu but life goes on and we redha. After all, there will come a time when all of us have to return to our Creator. Thank you everyone for your kind words and concern!

Work wise, I have switched to working on a part-time basis. I know, I know. I’ve been wanting to leave but considering that I do not have a concrete plan yet, I discussed with my HOD and she was accepting of the idea. I have also asked to remove a portion of my job scope as it was taking a toll on my stress level at times. Hence I feel that doing part-time is only appropriate and leaves me with more time to rest and do other things.

On another note, I have yet to post my reviews on the different wedding vendors that I took. Dah berbulan kahwin baru nak post eh! Very long overdue but I do hope it more or less helps the BTBs out there when they are looking for a vendor. In sya Allah, the next post!

#20: Loss

It is unfortunate that I have to return with a post so full of grief. I figured that I need a bigger space than IG and some place more personal than FB to pen down my thoughts. I didn’t want to do this initially but I thought it would help me to process and deal with the loss better. I know some may not understand this emotional attachment to a non-human but the pain is just as real. You can’t put a number or weight on emotion because everyone deals with loss differently.

Continue reading #20: Loss

#19: Writing

So I had my appraisal today, which is probably my last. No wait, it is my last. I have decided on leaving by the end of June. I was contemplating between June or July because of the bonus. But I figured that I just couldn’t hold on anymore. I thought I would dread going to work because of the longer distance but it is not. Rather, I am quite done with what I am doing.

My department head pointed out that my “good communication skills” is my strength. She then went on to say that I have the ability to write well during my correspondence with stakeholders especially when it comes to rejecting them. I have no idea if it is a good thing to be rejecting them but yeah, it didn’t occur to me that writing is my strength.

I used to love writing. I remember how much I enjoyed writing for compositions or essays in primary and secondary school. Being able to think of a plot and imagining how the characters interact with each other. I miss doing that. Since going into JC and discussing about current affairs in GP, I forgot how to describe and write storylines. Fiction books have been replaced by newspapers and journal articles. Since then my writings have been nothing but formal. I am always amazed and inspired by people who could write so well, creativity and imagination evident in their works. I hope to be able to get that drive to write more in future.

But first, I need to stop being lazy and start reading more regularly!