It’s surreal to think that I have hit that one year mark ( and a few days ) of my marriage. I still get
reminded of the feeling whenever I witness someone else getting solemnized or having their wedding.
I kind of miss the feeling but I definitely do not miss the preparation!
One year on and I am still trying to fit into my role as a wife. I had to change my attitude and behaviour but for the better of course. I am thankful for my otter half who would highlight areas I need to improve on with patience and gentleness. For the most part, he is very tolerating of me.
It was not always an easy ride but not to say it was the worst. I’ve received comments from ex-colleagues and friends who will say “oh you are still in your honeymoon year” or “wait till you have kids!”.
I du’a that when the going gets tough, we will still continue to love each other as if it was our honeymoon year and commit ourselves to this union till jannah, in sya Allah.
Death waits for no one. It catches us at unexpected timing.
It has been close to a month since. The look on your face as they laid you in the middle of the room is still etched in my mind. As if you are having the best sleep after a long time. The coldness of your forehead when I kissed you for the last time still lingers on my lips. As they lowered you into your resting place, it hits me.
Am I ready to meet You, Ya Allah?
My grandfather’s passing was a reminder for me. Our lives in this world are finite. One day, that will be me. I will be alone, accompanied by the deeds I have done. Have I done enough to gain His mercy? Enough to earn my place in Jannah? Last Friday at class, we learn about Surah Al-Fajr. It talks about Hari Kiamat and the events that will take place. I was overcome with feelings of fear and guilt. Too many sins, not enough deeds.
In my resolution, I mentioned how I wanted to bring myself closer to Him. One of it is to realign my life’s purpose. Of course it won’t be easy. There will be good days and bad days.
I find myself looking into your room when I go to Cik’s as though expecting to see you there, but you’re not. In sya Allah, we will meet again.
I spent the first day of the holidays attending a sharing session at Masjid Al-Ansar. Called Souqfest 2016, it is a ladies only event featuring young entrepreneurs who shared their stories and tips to setting up a business. I came during the session by Azrina Tahar, founder of Sufyaa, so I will organize and share with you ladies what I managed to jot down.
- Very important to be sincere, honest (be transparent with your customers) and do your business for Allah s.w.t.
- Have a liability (for example family members or staff that work for you) which motivates you to keep working hard and not be complacent.
- Find someone to be your guide or mentor (someone who has experience and help guide you)
- Don’t focus on your competitors. Think about how to best serve your customers instead. Also help one another and succeed together. She shared how one of the journalists from ST interviewed her and commented how she kept interviewing individuals who got into trouble with the law but successful stories were a rarity.
- She also encouraged us to sell a product that you believe in. Azrina shared how while she has nothing against reselling, she felt better to run her own production where she knows who will be the ones making the products. Nowadays there are sweatshops or people resorting to child labour to cut cost hence she will not be sure where these clothes are coming from.
- She also asked if there were any of us who are working and intend to go into business. She advised not to quit our day jobs until about a year or so into the business as we will not be getting any income while starting out. Very important advise for me.
It is wonderful feeling to be surrounded by inspiring individuals, particularly women, so we can always be motivated to improve ourselves.
I didn’t stay for the whole day as I had errands to run (which was a complete fail because I thought the shops I intended to go would be open) but I went to YCH to visit my granddad. It broke my heart to see him in that state physically and I wanted to cry after we left but the otter half told me that we should be grateful that he could still recognize people, ask for assistance, basically he is still good Alhamdulillah albeit frail. I very much want him to witness my solemnization and I hope he will be able to in sya Allah.
On another note, 10 more days to go! I am slowly feeling the wedding jitters. Praying everything goes smoothly until and during the day, in sya Allah.
One of the things I have planned to do even if marriage was not at the list was to take my leave from this organisation. As my first full-time job, I am definitely blessed to be able to work in a friendly and supportive environment. Of course we are not free from office gossip but nothing too severe to the point that it affects our work.
I would like to think that I am still quite young and I wish to explore other opportunities. The opportunities have been good here and I have learnt a lot that benefits both work and personal lives but development wise, I feel it is quite restricted. I imagine myself doing the same thing if I were to stay longer.
After a few years here, I feel that a part of what I am doing is not something that I am greatly passionate about. The drive is not there anymore and work to me is just work. The purpose has turn into just going to work because I have to and to be responsible for it.
I am blessed and grateful to have a future husband who is very understanding of my choice. I plan to take up a part-time job while I find another full-time job to keep the income coming in, especially with an education loan over my head. I hope this will also give me more time and space to try out and learn new things.
One of my colleagues asked, what if I get pregnant? Is it risky to leave a stable job that I have now? My fiance assured me that we will find a way and in sya Allah rezeki tu ada. So I am hopeful. Of course I would have to adjust and cut down on the unnecessary spending to make ends meet but I think it would be workable.
Whatever that Allah s.w.t plans out for me, I believe it will work out for the best.
When I’m depressed with self-doubt, insecurity & hopelessness in my heart, help me find myself again.
Fill my heart with hope.
This came at a great timing from Mufti Menk’s Facebook page. I was feeling really low after what happened but this spelled out exactly what I was feeling. It was His way of reaching out to me and if I could tear up I would because I am just so overwhelmed with His Greatness. Help came to me in a way I never imagined.
He always listens. How could I even doubt Him for a second. Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself. For what He has given me, what have I given or sacrificed for Him in return? I fall short of fulfilling my basic duties as a Muslim.
Ya Rabb, give me the strength and guidance to not be complacent with my relationship with You.